If I had to give one word to describe my college experience, it would be “change”. There have been a number of instances of change throughout my time in college. From the change in setting (small town Maryland to big city Washington), being thrown into the college lifestyle, changing my intended major halfway through freshman year, and a few changes in what I thought my career path would be, to the most impactful change of them all. The summer after my junior year, I was driving my friends to go on a hike. All of a sudden, I started feeling strange and had to pull over. I didn’t know it then, but I was having the first of many panic attacks. For weeks afterwards, I had no idea what was happening to me, or what was triggering these attacks. I googled my symptoms, and anxiety seemed to be the most likely. I was so taken aback, I had never thought of myself as someone with anxiety, and had definitely never had physical symptoms like this before. I finally sought help at the UW mental health counseling center and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder.

It was like a new lens that I had to look at everything through; re-analyzing my past, present, and future. I’ve heard people say, “don’t let anxiety take charge of your life”, but I think it has really changed who I am at the core, and not all for the worse. I’ve become much more aware of the world around me. I feel more in touch with other people’s emotions, especially those who also go through anxiety. One of the first things I learned from this experience is that there are so many people that go through anxiety, and I think it has turned out to be a gift and a curse to be able to, for the most part, understand what they’re going through. I know anyone with anxiety wouldn’t wish it on anyone else, but it is a good feeling to know that there is a community of others who might be struggling as much as you are. I have even been able to gather strength from this realization; if others can go through this and have successful social lives, careers, etc., so can I.

Despite the good that has come from this change, there are also areas of my life that have suffered. Because I feel like the way my mind works has changed in this process, it has been like trying to learn how to study and do coursework all over again. The way I study for classes, take tests, and complete assignments have all changed. Freshman year of college is mainly about learning how to handle the college coursework. This past year, I have felt like I’ve had to go through that process all over again. At first, I would try to study and take tests the way I had for the last couple years of college, but I wasn’t getting the results I wanted, or knew I could achieve. It has been an uphill battle, that’s still not complete, to try to relearn how to learn.

 

My friendships and social activities also took a hit from this change. Although I still loved my close friends, I felt like I wasn’t able to connect with them in the same ways that I used to. They had been my support system throughout school, and suddenly I felt like they didn’t understand anymore. Of course, just having people around to talk or vent to has been extremely helpful, and over time they have come to know how to help me when I need it, even if they do not totally understand.
 

My last year at UW has mainly been made up of a lot of rethinking of the decisions on career path, extracurricular pass-times, and self-image that I made early on in college. My experience with anxiety has reshaped my outlook on many aspects of my life, and I have found myself having to go through the process of figuring out who I am all over again. Before this experience, I was confident in my ability to achieve my career, academic, and social goals. Since being aware of my anxiety and learning how to control it, I have had to really do some soul searching to figure out if my changed perspective is the anxiety influencing my thoughts, or if I’ve actually had a change of heart in my goals. Junior year I thought I had it all figured out. I wanted to become a physician’s assistant, and knew the steps I had to take to get there. After the change, I started to feel dissatisfied with that path. At first, it felt like I had never really been interested in that career path, but on those good days where my anxiety was low and my mood was high, I noticed that the thought of that future actually brought on excitement rather than dread. It was then that I realized that my anxiety had been clouding my thoughts and perceptions. I have now learned how to sift through those anxious thoughts to get down to the core of my wants and feelings, but it is still a work in progress, with a number of days where I still question the path I’m on. With support from friends and family, I’ve started to regain confidence and can begin seeing myself achieving some of those goals again.
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This portfolio will walk you through my time at the University of Washington, and the many experiences and changes that shaped my college experience.